Hope is not about proving anything. It’s about choosing to believe this one thing, that love is bigger than any grim, bleak shit anyone can throw at us. - Anne Lamott, Plan B: Further Thoughts on Faith (via hqlines)
Clearing the Mind.

With what’s been going on lately I feel like I’m being too vulnerable. I feel like I’m showing everyone too much. I’m usually reserved and quiet about my feelings and thoughts.

I witnessed the strongest person I know at his weakest. Even the strongest people end up needing help. Anything could happen and the terrifying part is that it could happen to anyone at any given time.

I’ve always told my family and friends that I’d spend the rest of my life alone and unmarried. But like I said earlier, with what’s gone on in the past two weeks I think I may want to reconsider.

Witnessing my dad becoming dependent on us and how my mom is constantly worrying and taking care of him made me think. I want something like that. I want to be able to take of someone and vice versa. I’m terrified that I won’t have someone that I can rely on when I’m at my weakest. I’d much rather have someone close, someone who knows how I react to things, someone who loves me despite the flaws and annoyances. Having a nurse taking care of you can only go far. It’s not the same having someone close and someone you love and care about be there for you even after all the obstacles and challenges that they’ve faced.

I’m terrified that my double high standards and expectations will prevent me from trying to start a relationship. I’m terrified that I might really be alone for the rest of my life. I’m at the point where I want to be in a relationship but at the same time, don’t. I’m okay with being alone and single. That’s how I feel now. But if I had to look at the big picture and my future, I wouldn’t want to be alone. Who knows what’s going to happen to me. I’m hoping and praying nothing bad happens but there are no guarantees.

Opening up and showing people who I am is going to be a hard task because I’m so used to keeping to myself. I’m not as social as I want to be, or as I need to be. For the past two years I’ve focused on me. I’ve made sure that I wouldn’t get hurt again by building high walls and avoiding feelings. I made sure to focus on me and just me because if I couldn’t accept myself, then who will?

Note to Self:

Don’t expect anything. Expectations lead to disappointments and false hope. Don’t rush into conclusions. Anything could happen so don’t think about one outcome. Keep an open mind. Don’t get your hopes up. False hope isn’t something you want to hold on to. Don’t over analyze and over think things. Just go with the flow and enjoy what you have; even if it’s just for today. Stop being so insecure and embrace who you are. Confidence is key.