One of my favorite movies. Never gets old and I will never get tired of this movie.
Day 100/365: April 11, 2014
Nervousness: One possibility that makes you nervous.
I can’t name one thing because these two would have to be a tie: public speaking and interviews. I’m not used to having people give me their undivided attention. I’m not used to speaking my mind or sharing any type of opinion. When people question me, I tend to forget everything and stutter numerous times.
I’ve always been a shy person, that’s just the type of person I am. When I have more than a few people looking at me I don’t keep any eye contact. I tend to always look down and play with my fingers. I start feeling a heating sensation all over my face and my stomach goes into knots.
They say, that the more you stand up in front of people one will eventually get over their fear of public speaking. I’ve been going to public school since preschool and have had to do countless presentations. Still can’t get over the nerves. I don’t think it’ll be something I’ll just get over. I think its just the type of person I am. I remember that there was one time when the nerves got the best of me and I started tearing up. That was in high school… I was a senior. And there were six others in my class. That wasn’t a full classroom and those six pairs of eyes were enough to make me breakdown. It’s pretty bad if you ask me.
Now on to interviews. It doesn’t matter what type of interview it is: an interview for the school’s newspaper, a job interview, group interviews… an interview, is an interview and it will almost always make me uncomfortable and nervous. I always feel like I’m being tested and I become very cautious of what to say next. I tend to over think things. I have this habit of rubbing my hands together because they get all sweaty. My heartbeat even increases just a tad. Even if the person reassures me that it’ll only be a few questions and that it’ll be quick I still have this nervous panic attack. And since I don’t know how to say no, I torture myself for the next five minutes of the interview.
Those are the two things that can get me nervous in an instant. I feel like I fit perfectly into the awkward category.
Your Tea: 28 Day Tiny Teatox
I have finished my 28 day Teatox and since starting it I’ve been more awake, I’ve had more energy, my bloating was completely gone after the first week and I dropped a pant size. I was surprised that I dropped a pant size and got a smaller stomach because I didn’t eat clean like you were supposed to. But this product definitely works. I was a little skeptical but I’m really glad that I caved in and purchased it. Best purchase I’ve made in awhile. The only thing that didn’t live up to what the reviews said was clearer skin. I broke out a bit even after getting the right amount of sleep. It may have been because I’ve been stressed out these past few weeks but I’m not totally sure.
I’m going to buy myself another box, just not at this moment. I can’t wait to start my next teatox!!
Cabela’s Grand Opening.
I have no idea why it took this long for Alaska to open up a Cabela’s. The grand opening was today and it was chaotic. I’m not sure how, but I tend to have anxiety when there are a bunch of people around me, especially when it’s inside a building. It was pretty bad when I went into the Bargain section of the store. It was a separate room from the store and it was complete packed. Everywhere I went people were in the way and I just began panicking.
I think the only good thing out of the grand opening was finding and running into good looking guys. I know, very girly of me to say. But it’s the truth. There were good looking guys walking around. I was telling my friend that I wouldn’t mind working there, but they’d just have to put me in the apparel section because I don’t think I could sell guns, camping gear, and whatever else there is.
Most definitely going back…when there’s less people.
Day 99/365: April 10, 2014
Imperfection: Imperfections — in things, in people, in places — add character to life. Tell us about an imperfection that you cherish.
A recent imperfection that I’ve gotten used to and use it as motivation would have to be the stretch marks. I have them and there are days where I hate that I have them. I can’t wear cut offs. I can’t wear bikinis. I can’t wear anything too revealing. But at the same time, I don’t wear stuff like that to begin with… it’s out of my comfort zone. From there I didn’t mind having them as much.
I don’t know how I came to this but I started thinking about how one day, hopefully, I’ll be with someone who loves me and who I’m deeply in love with. What makes me insecure and uneasy would have to be them holding me or having their hands under my shirt. They will feel the stretch marks. I know that if they really loved me that wouldn’t matter but what frightens me would have to be if that was the reason they decide to leave me. That would be the only thing that makes me worry.
Other than that, whenever I see them they’re a constant reminder of how far I’ve come in my weight loss journey. That these bumps and lines are battle scars that I’ve learned to overcome and defeat. They are reminders of what used to be. An unhappy, self-conscious, low self-esteemed, low self-confidence person who only hoped and wished she could fit into a size four. Now, I fit into a size two in my jeans. Never in my life have I pictured myself fitting into size two jeans. I’m smaller than I was in middle school. By middle school, I was a size five. My freshman year, a size seven. By the time I graduated high school, a size eleven/twelve. I remember thinking it was impossible to lose the weight I’ve gained. That I’ll never be able to wear the clothes I want to wear. That I’ll just stick to wearing black and hoodies to hide what I could. I would leave my hair down and covered the majority of my face to hide how round of a face I had. I’d wear boot cut jeans because skinnys made me look too top heavy. I found so many imperfections about myself that they were all I focused on. I never saw the good in me. The time I did was when I lost the first ten pounds. I kept reminding myself I lost ten, I can lose another ten and so forth.
I went off tangent again, so getting back to what needed to be talked about: I may not be comfortable showing them off, but I do use them as motivation to not gain anymore weight. To maintain and lose a couple more pounds. We all have our imperfections and one of mine so happens to be stretch marks. I’m perfectly okay with saying I have them… having people seeing them on the other hand is another struggle.
Day 98/365: April 9, 2014
Biggest Mistake: What is the biggest mistake you’ve done this week?
The one thing I can think of is telling my mom that I was going to drop my Environmental Geology class when I decided to stay in that class. We got into this huge argument which eventually led to my “semester off of college.”
The reason I say “semester off” is because if I tell my mom I’m not going back she’ll freak out and give me that I’m not angry, I’m disappointed look and soon after a lecture of how I’m not going to have a successful future.
I’ve been feeling pressured lately. Pressured to do things I’m unsure of doing. I’m at the point where I don’t know if I’m doing everything for myself or for the people around me. Whatever the case, I need to figure out what’s best for me.
The bad thing is, I hate the fact that what I’m doing is disappointing my mom makes me feel like shit. All I ever wanted was to make my parents happy. But now that I think about it, I need to put my happiness first. I don’t want to do something that doesn’t make me happy. I don’t want to feel empty and feel like I’ve thrown my life away trying to make others happy.
I may not know what I want to do yet and right now, I’m just hoping that things will fall in place. In reality, most things just don’t “fall into place” nowadays, you have to work hard for what you want.
The only thing that I find myself loving and being passionate about is helping third world countries. From watching all the documentaries at home, at school and reading about it online it makes me want to help others who don’t have what I have.
The problem. I don’t know where to begin. I wouldn’t know how to build up an organization. I wouldn’t know what to do to become an successful organization that helps others who are less fortunate.
That’s what I want to do. The income isn’t important to me. I’m set living in an apartment because I don’t plan on staying home all the time. I picture myself travelling and helping others. Volunteering as a Humanitarian Aid worker when some natural disaster happens.
I think I’ve become independent enough to be happy without relying on another person to make me happy. It’s something I’m used to. It’s something I’ve learned to do. It’s secondhand to me.
That’s exactly what I want to do. I haven’t told my parents because of the whole income and future thing. I’m tired of arguing and having it make look like I’m “self-centered” and a “disappointment.”